A story about a ruined underground industry.

Since its all Christmassy time & stuff I decided to write you a story!

There was a beautiful symbiotic relationship between people, their spare change, & the underground (subway) musicians.

[ok quick side-story, I originally drew this in paint really decently well & then paint just decided to up & freakin quit, so in the interest of time I drew it on the back of a manilla folder next to me...its people giving a musician change.]

The musicians would play a little ditty via guitar, xylophone, Jamaican steel drum, trashcan (really pretty much anything) & the people walking by would have a mini-America's Got Talent competition in their heads & rate the talent to decide if the performer(s) were worthy of the change in the pocket of the passerby.

If the "musician" (& I use that term loosely) were deemed "good" (also loose), money, typically in the form of spare change, would be awarded. (change amount usually to be determined by how many street pretzels were eaten on the given day)

All was well with the world.

The people were happy to hear moderately practiced talent on the way to & from work, & the performers were even happier to receive like $5 a day which is more than they would be making playing the washboard at home.

But then something happened.

(this is not what happened but this is a damn good picture)

Well, two things happened. 
(I'm not really sure which came first but lets just say for all intents & purposes the first one i mention is the one that happened first because it doesn't really matter)

The first thing to happen was the invention of portable electronic devices / headphones.

Portable electronics started to be a thing, & headphones started to drown out the decent melodies of the inaccurately tuned tubas, violins, kettle bells (wait, thats not right), & grand pianos!

The musicians went from being seen & heard to merely being seen, & the world was off kilter.

Now, I know what you're thinking. 
Arrested Development could've gone at least 10 more seasons.

OR

Wait a second, headphones became a thing sometime in the  80's - there were definitely musicians performing underground (making $5 a day) between the 80's and now right?!

Yes! That is correct which is why I still have to tell you about the second thing that happened.

The other thing that happened was debit cards. Not credit cards (because not every Joe can get his hands on one of those), but debit cards. (Ok it's really both credit cards & debit cards)

WHY? BECAUSE! 
Not a soul walks around with change in his pocket any more! 

Since even hookers take debit & credit cards, & every 13 year old has a debit card, NOBODY has an extra quarter, or even dollar bill (inflation) jingling around in the depths of their pants!

Now a days, the performers are few & far between, the music isn't really good at all (was it ever?), & the people hurry by with headphones in, music on, & a whole lotta plastic shoved in their pockets.

So this Christmas season, if you find yourself with a $20 bill from grandpa, go buy yourself some bubble gum & a condom (because that's about all you'll be able to get with it) & then give your spare quarter to the underground enthusiast just trying to make an honest five bucks.

And that's the story of how earphones & debit cards ruined the underground rail road, i mean music industry. 

Look!

Look at this wrinkly, hairy kiwi.

Whew. That is one, sad wrinkly kiwi.

I do not like to be touched.

It's no secret.

If you know me (personally) you know I am not a huge fan of other humans touching me or me touching other humans.

It's just really not my thing.

No offense to anyone who "needs" a hug - just a heads up, you're probably not going to get it from me. (unless you are Melissa. or my Mom)

The ironic thing is, I now live in NYC & everybody here touches everybody else all the time.

You cant help it.

Its just stupid crowded & try as you might not to be touched, by the end of your subway ride, you will inevitably be at least arm to arm with a complete stranger.
[and that's on a good day because more times than not you are crotch to face, ass to ass, or just body to body].

But i have this theory. 
[the whole point of this post]

Some people ride the subway JUST so they can touch people.

Its a fact that skin on skin is healthy for endorphins or whatever & i truly believe that some people fulfill this physiologic need by riding the subway.

There are a few sneaky ways this is accomplished...let me teach you all about it in case you decide to visit me in this dirty, dirty city.

1. The pole dancer
This individual holds close to the pole as if he/she is either going to fly away, or ride it like a fire pole. You, the innocent subway rider, also needs to be safe by holding onto said pole, & have no other choice but to touch the Pole Dancer.

2. The spreader
If you are lucky enough to get a seat, you will likely sit with an inch or 2 to spare just so you arent arm to arm with your neighbor. The spreader will immediately, subtly spread his/her legs or arms ever so slightly so that one or both are grazing your skin.

3. The surfer / crash test dummy
This person decides it is more important to read, text, eat, & knit than hold onto anything for safety so what happens when the train jolts? Oh! You guessed it, he/she crashes right into you (which you love if you're Dave Matthews)

4. The pusher
No, not drug pusher Caty, you know, the people who just push & push to get on the subway? Well, the pusher is the guy who pushes to get on & then just stays right up on top of you when there is plenty of room to spread out.

5. The hand holder
The no-matter-where-i-put-my-hand-the-hand-holder's-hand-goes-there-too. Give it up John Lennon - nobody wants to hold your hand.

So in conclusion - if you're feeling the need for some close, touchy love...$2.25 can buy you all the human contact your touch receptors could ever need.

End!

la la la, LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA...

DONT TOUCH ME!

Its that time of year again...

What time of year you ask?

Pumpkins?
Fall leaves?
Christmas music?

NO!!!

Its fall TV time!!!!

I love TV shows - bad ones, good ones, doesn't matter - If it's on, I can get into it (with the exception of football of course)

So i couldn't help but noticing some striking similarities between so not-so-similar-shows this TV season!
And what better way to share my thoughts with you than some good ol' fashioned 

VENN DIAGRAMS!

And just because i love you all so much, i decided to go free hand this time. 
(also its because im still transitioning from not having the internet for so long)


1. American Horror Story | Arrested development
(ps i know Arrested Development is not new but there has been a lot of buzz about it lately so i felt like it was appropriate) 

2. 30 Rock | Breaking Bad

3. The Office | Dexter

4. Suburgatory | Up All Night
(Slow clap for making it back for a second season)

5. Grimm | Portlandia
(hipsters, monsters, same difference)

The End! (happy fall TV watching!)

Breaking the cycle

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.[its possible i made that up]

I was without internet for 64.

Never have i ever known what breaking an addiction feels like, but I imagine it feels a lot like quitting the internet cold turkey for 64 days & good gravy it feels super warm & cuddly to have the world at my finger tips again.

What's the weather going to be like tomorrow? 
I know!

Who was the guy in that movie? 
I know that too!!

What is the point of fantasy football? There's totally not one!

[Just kidding! its so The League can exist]

Regardless, i must say it did feel a teensy bit nice to be free of the burden of Facebook, Email, Pinterest, Blog, Hulu, Netflix, Youtube, Google...etcetera etcetera...(internet loop - see Portlandia)

Nonetheless, here we are again.

[you guys remember that from middle school?!]

Problem is, i've stopped trying to actively come up with blog ideas & the only 2 passionate somewhat-blog-worthy thoughts i've had in the last 64 days are:

1. Football is a stupid sport

2. Politics is a stupid sport

And neither of those two things are really solid enough ideas [for me] to make a blog posting about.
[well actually, they totally are but i have a feeling they'd end up being too serious & not funny enough]

So stay tuned, I'll get my internet addiction back to be sure & you guys will be peeing in your pants again before you know it. 

[you're welcome for not posting a picture of someone peeing in their pants].