Potential Valentine's Day card?

My love for you is like a retarded giant...

...Huge & Special.

Sincerely,

I have a real job now (yay?) so my posts are pretty much going to be weak from here on out - but i still think this would make a pretty swell Valentine's Day card...but don't steal it though because its the only original funny thought i've had in like 3 days.

Anybody?

Anybody??

No?

Ok...

I'll tell you...

Mediocre Meaty Okra!

A Camping Chair is Not a Beach Chair.

A few days ago I had plans to go to the beach with a couple of friends who always bring chairs. 


I've never really been much of a chair-bringer but, not wanting to feel totally left out of all conversation for laying at ground level on a towel...

...I decided it would be best to bring a chair. 

Sooo. I don't actually own a beach chair... but one of the perks of having parents for roommates, is access to their plethora of crap lying around. 
(I think i could have probably phrased that a little more elegantly; however, they seriously just have a ton of stuff everywhere & if you're patient enough, you could probably find just about anything you need somewhere in the house or within a short distance outside of it.)


There was bound to be a beach chair somewhere in the midst of all the stuff. 


Nope. 


[Well. Let me be a tiny bit more specific. I Found one. But it was totally busted so I just went ahead & counted it as not really being a beach chair anymore.]

Which begs the question, "if the chair is completely broken, why do we still have it?" ...
Exactly.




Just as I was about to cut my losses, my ridiculously excellent problem solving skills kicked in & I realized that a camping chair would not only do the job, but would also position me a smidge higher than my beach mates, potentially making conversation even more interesting.

Ok fast forward to the beach. 


Here is why camping chairs should be reserved for camping only. 
(Assuming you typically wear pants (or at least shorts) when you're camping.)


Beach chairs are low to the ground, making it uncomfortable to stick your legs straight out. 


99.9% of people sitting in beach chairs bend their knees & stick their feet in the sand; thus lifting the thighs off of the surface of the chair, making the pantless legs look somewhat normal-sized. And tan:

Camping chairs, on the other hand, are typically taller 
(my guess is to prevent snakes or badgers from biting your bum), & regardless of whether or not your knees are bent or straight, the sling-style canvas suspension system forces your legs do this ridiculous smushed together thing that makes your thighs look 10 billion times bigger & paler than they actually are:

Needless to say, I sat in the camping chair on the beach for about 1.3 seconds and promptly decided that I was just really much more "comfortable" lying on my towel.


Stupid camping chairs.

Free TV!

Me: Hey Thomas, do you know anyone who would want this TV?

Thomas: A homeless person doesn't even want that TV.

What the heck's a DPT?

"So you've graduated. Now what?"

You might think that the above question would be the question I am most tired of answering. 

It isn't. 

(Mostly because that is a question for which I do not have an answer.)

The question I am actually the most tired of answering is, 
"So is a DPT the same thing as a PhD?"

To which the answer is simply: "No."

However, rarely does that satisfy the inquisitive conversation starter.

So by way of blog, I hope to defer all of these people who seem oh so interested in my educational career choice but cant seem to comprehend what I've been up to for the past 7 years.

Example:

Question: "So is a DPT like a PhD?"

Answer: "No. Please go to www.RecumbentDNA.Blogspot.com for clarification."

(By the way, if you have found your way here by way of deferment...awesome. My diabolical scheme worked.)

Alright here we go. 

Lets just say, for all intents & purposes, that instead of accidentally tripping over Lil' Wayne & tumbling into a career requiring no actual talent, Nicki Minaj had instead, gone through 7 years of school to become a DPT, her name would read:

Nicki Minaj, DPT

An individual who sports DPT at the end of his or her name is a Doctor of Physical Therapy. Or if you're feeling fancy you can also say he or she has a "Doctorate in Physical Therapy."

In contrast...

By definition, someone who rocks a PhD is a Doctor of Philosophy of (insert whatever subject you want here as long as you could get some educational board somewhere to back it).

(as of now a PhD in physical therapy does not exist; however... never mind this is boring.)

DPT ≠ PhD


I can already see the words starting to take shape in your brain, 
"Sooo it's an MD then?"


No again. Hey do you remember that part when I didn't go to medical school for the last 3 years? And then I was in physical therapy school?


DPT ≠ MD

So I bet now you're thinking, "Ohhh, I get it. Its a Master's Degree."

Wrong.

DPT ≠ Master's Degree. 

Actually, if you understand what a Master's Degree is all about, feel free to make a blog about it because I really have no idea other than it involves extra school & you may still not get a job when you're done with it.

DPT, when broken down, literally means, "I am a super awesome expert at physical therapy." 

Going back to the Nicki Minaj example, her name (if she were a DPT instead of a robot barbie) could also technically read:

Nicki Minaj, 

Super Awesome Expert at Everything Related to Physical Therapy

Ok here. You know how dentists have DDS or DMD at the end of their names but aren't medical doctors? 


Its sortof like that. 

Lady Gaga, DDS

Just to help clarify, here are a few extra examples of how medical professionals use letters at the end of their names to let you know what theyre really good at. 

Dr. Evil, DE*

* Doctor of Evil (DE)

 Dr. Andre Nowzick, MD, FACS**

**Medical Doctor (MD); Fellow American College of Surgeons (FACS)

AND

 Dr. Phil, DDB***

***Doctor of Douche Bagetry (DDB)

Nevertheless (seriously, how often do you get to use that word? I'm not even totally sure i used it correctly, but it felt right so i just went with it) anyone who has a DPT has gone through 4 (or more) years of undergrad & then 3 years of PT school & are legally allowed to do a whole smorgasbord of really interesting stuff (see Table 1): 

Table 1

In conclusion, I hope this blog post has helped you understand the role of a DPT. 


I would like to thank you for taking this time to educate yourself. You are a much more well rounded person for it & will help make society a better place for the rest of your life. 
(I stole that from a fortune cookie).

Amendment One

Graduation Festivities

This story begins with a conversation between myself & my totally over-zealous-about-everything-he-does-in-life Dad.


Dad: Hey so do you want us to throw you a party for your graduation?


Me: No, not really.


Dad: Well we're probably going to do it anyway & invite all of our friends.


Me: Oh great, I hope I can make it.


So, true to form, my Dad has become a super-diva about planning this party.


It has morphed from a "stop by & say hey" type of party to, "Stop by & eat a 3 course meal, have a few drinks, reminisce about my daughter's life for the past 25 years, play monopoly, do a 1000 piece jig saw puzzle, & cure cancer" type of party.


[So i typed "boring party" into Google & this was the 2nd image it spit out. Ummm. What?]

This morning, there was a form sitting on the table that looked a lot like a W-2, or W-4, or 10-99 or whatever, & a sticky note asking me to fill out sections 2a & 3.


Crap.


Naturally I immediately brainstormed of all the things I needed to do in order to avoid dealing with this form for as long as possible.

Upon further inspection, it appeared to actually be a form related to cake.

Then it dawned on me, this would most likely be be the cake for "my" party. 

Before we go any further into this tale you should probably know that decision making is not my strong suit in any realm; however, this morning's walnut, date, & raisin oatmeal must have been making me feeling adventurous because I decided that today, conquering this form was potentially manageable. 

Ok, lets do (try) this:

Step 1: 

Oh right, step 1 doesn't matter because I was only asked to fill out 2a. & 3. Done. Perfect.

Step 2a Cake flavor:

White (ok maybe) or

Chocolate (only available in some incomprehensible measurements. no. chocolate is out), or 

marble (which one would think could potentially be the solution to making everyone happy about cake flavor but it totally isnt so ew no thank you marble please go back to being a countertop style no one wants to eat you in a cake flavor.)

White it is.

Yessssssssss. Half way done.

Step 3: 
Take a look at these icing options:

Step 3 is tricky like one of those homework problems from 7th grade when the teacher says, "oh you guys, I was feeling totally nice so i only gave you one homework problem for tonight," come to find out, that problem has like 37 parts to it...yep thanks a lot step 3.

"Choose Whipped Icing or But-R-Creme icing." Wait a second. But-R-Creme? (i know im not the resident icing expert here but im pretty sure its suppose to be spelled butter cream?) So tell me, is But-R-Creme better than But-P-Creme? likely for sure...but maybe not as good as But-X-Creme? & what about But-O-Creme. 

O jeez. I can't be bothered with all of these Butt puns...I've got decisions to make.

The fact that the But-R-creme colors start with "asparagus green" should tip you off that something isnt quite right with But-R-Creme...and "Sunrise Gold?" "Amaryllis Yellow?" 

It is very clear to me that a man named all of the whipped frosting colors and a woman named all of the But-R-creme colors & Although hot pink is very tempting, the thought of green icing potentially tasting like asparagus or even holiday is too much of a gamble for me. 

Whipped it is.

Moving right along.

White or Chocolate? 

Now this is really when I started to feel the weight of the decision making process. 

Is it socially acceptable to have the same flavor icing as cake? 

Will I be breaking an unspoken code? 

If i pick chocolate icing, will the colors look all dark & weird? 

Is that racist? 

And then, as I headed towards an endless downward spiral of confusion, bad decisions, & tacky cake...White. 

Im just gonna do it. White on white and i dont even care no looking back. 

Booyah! Decision making!!!

Next. 

Color choices for the border & flower colors. 

Have you ever taken statistics? I have. 

8 color choices for each of 2 place to put color? anybody? 

nr

where n is the number of things to choose from, and you choose r of them (Repetition allowed, order matters)

Let me help...oh you got it? That's right...there are 

64 flower / border combinations. 

My brain was literally 2 seconds away from giving up & going into total decision making meltdown mode when luckily I made partial eye roll back to step 1.

Forget everything.

Problem solved.