A story about a ruined underground industry.

Since its all Christmassy time & stuff I decided to write you a story!

There was a beautiful symbiotic relationship between people, their spare change, & the underground (subway) musicians.

[ok quick side-story, I originally drew this in paint really decently well & then paint just decided to up & freakin quit, so in the interest of time I drew it on the back of a manilla folder next to me...its people giving a musician change.]

The musicians would play a little ditty via guitar, xylophone, Jamaican steel drum, trashcan (really pretty much anything) & the people walking by would have a mini-America's Got Talent competition in their heads & rate the talent to decide if the performer(s) were worthy of the change in the pocket of the passerby.

If the "musician" (& I use that term loosely) were deemed "good" (also loose), money, typically in the form of spare change, would be awarded. (change amount usually to be determined by how many street pretzels were eaten on the given day)

All was well with the world.

The people were happy to hear moderately practiced talent on the way to & from work, & the performers were even happier to receive like $5 a day which is more than they would be making playing the washboard at home.

But then something happened.

(this is not what happened but this is a damn good picture)

Well, two things happened. 
(I'm not really sure which came first but lets just say for all intents & purposes the first one i mention is the one that happened first because it doesn't really matter)

The first thing to happen was the invention of portable electronic devices / headphones.

Portable electronics started to be a thing, & headphones started to drown out the decent melodies of the inaccurately tuned tubas, violins, kettle bells (wait, thats not right), & grand pianos!

The musicians went from being seen & heard to merely being seen, & the world was off kilter.

Now, I know what you're thinking. 
Arrested Development could've gone at least 10 more seasons.

OR

Wait a second, headphones became a thing sometime in the  80's - there were definitely musicians performing underground (making $5 a day) between the 80's and now right?!

Yes! That is correct which is why I still have to tell you about the second thing that happened.

The other thing that happened was debit cards. Not credit cards (because not every Joe can get his hands on one of those), but debit cards. (Ok it's really both credit cards & debit cards)

WHY? BECAUSE! 
Not a soul walks around with change in his pocket any more! 

Since even hookers take debit & credit cards, & every 13 year old has a debit card, NOBODY has an extra quarter, or even dollar bill (inflation) jingling around in the depths of their pants!

Now a days, the performers are few & far between, the music isn't really good at all (was it ever?), & the people hurry by with headphones in, music on, & a whole lotta plastic shoved in their pockets.

So this Christmas season, if you find yourself with a $20 bill from grandpa, go buy yourself some bubble gum & a condom (because that's about all you'll be able to get with it) & then give your spare quarter to the underground enthusiast just trying to make an honest five bucks.

And that's the story of how earphones & debit cards ruined the underground rail road, i mean music industry. 

Look!

Look at this wrinkly, hairy kiwi.

Whew. That is one, sad wrinkly kiwi.

I do not like to be touched.

It's no secret.

If you know me (personally) you know I am not a huge fan of other humans touching me or me touching other humans.

It's just really not my thing.

No offense to anyone who "needs" a hug - just a heads up, you're probably not going to get it from me. (unless you are Melissa. or my Mom)

The ironic thing is, I now live in NYC & everybody here touches everybody else all the time.

You cant help it.

Its just stupid crowded & try as you might not to be touched, by the end of your subway ride, you will inevitably be at least arm to arm with a complete stranger.
[and that's on a good day because more times than not you are crotch to face, ass to ass, or just body to body].

But i have this theory. 
[the whole point of this post]

Some people ride the subway JUST so they can touch people.

Its a fact that skin on skin is healthy for endorphins or whatever & i truly believe that some people fulfill this physiologic need by riding the subway.

There are a few sneaky ways this is accomplished...let me teach you all about it in case you decide to visit me in this dirty, dirty city.

1. The pole dancer
This individual holds close to the pole as if he/she is either going to fly away, or ride it like a fire pole. You, the innocent subway rider, also needs to be safe by holding onto said pole, & have no other choice but to touch the Pole Dancer.

2. The spreader
If you are lucky enough to get a seat, you will likely sit with an inch or 2 to spare just so you arent arm to arm with your neighbor. The spreader will immediately, subtly spread his/her legs or arms ever so slightly so that one or both are grazing your skin.

3. The surfer / crash test dummy
This person decides it is more important to read, text, eat, & knit than hold onto anything for safety so what happens when the train jolts? Oh! You guessed it, he/she crashes right into you (which you love if you're Dave Matthews)

4. The pusher
No, not drug pusher Caty, you know, the people who just push & push to get on the subway? Well, the pusher is the guy who pushes to get on & then just stays right up on top of you when there is plenty of room to spread out.

5. The hand holder
The no-matter-where-i-put-my-hand-the-hand-holder's-hand-goes-there-too. Give it up John Lennon - nobody wants to hold your hand.

So in conclusion - if you're feeling the need for some close, touchy love...$2.25 can buy you all the human contact your touch receptors could ever need.

End!

la la la, LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA...

DONT TOUCH ME!

Its that time of year again...

What time of year you ask?

Pumpkins?
Fall leaves?
Christmas music?

NO!!!

Its fall TV time!!!!

I love TV shows - bad ones, good ones, doesn't matter - If it's on, I can get into it (with the exception of football of course)

So i couldn't help but noticing some striking similarities between so not-so-similar-shows this TV season!
And what better way to share my thoughts with you than some good ol' fashioned 

VENN DIAGRAMS!

And just because i love you all so much, i decided to go free hand this time. 
(also its because im still transitioning from not having the internet for so long)


1. American Horror Story | Arrested development
(ps i know Arrested Development is not new but there has been a lot of buzz about it lately so i felt like it was appropriate) 

2. 30 Rock | Breaking Bad

3. The Office | Dexter

4. Suburgatory | Up All Night
(Slow clap for making it back for a second season)

5. Grimm | Portlandia
(hipsters, monsters, same difference)

The End! (happy fall TV watching!)

Breaking the cycle

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.[its possible i made that up]

I was without internet for 64.

Never have i ever known what breaking an addiction feels like, but I imagine it feels a lot like quitting the internet cold turkey for 64 days & good gravy it feels super warm & cuddly to have the world at my finger tips again.

What's the weather going to be like tomorrow? 
I know!

Who was the guy in that movie? 
I know that too!!

What is the point of fantasy football? There's totally not one!

[Just kidding! its so The League can exist]

Regardless, i must say it did feel a teensy bit nice to be free of the burden of Facebook, Email, Pinterest, Blog, Hulu, Netflix, Youtube, Google...etcetera etcetera...(internet loop - see Portlandia)

Nonetheless, here we are again.

[you guys remember that from middle school?!]

Problem is, i've stopped trying to actively come up with blog ideas & the only 2 passionate somewhat-blog-worthy thoughts i've had in the last 64 days are:

1. Football is a stupid sport

2. Politics is a stupid sport

And neither of those two things are really solid enough ideas [for me] to make a blog posting about.
[well actually, they totally are but i have a feeling they'd end up being too serious & not funny enough]

So stay tuned, I'll get my internet addiction back to be sure & you guys will be peeing in your pants again before you know it. 

[you're welcome for not posting a picture of someone peeing in their pants].

With"drawl."

Life update:

I do not yet have internet access at my new place.

I am currently experiencing severe withdrawal symptoms.
(twitchy fingers, better posture, increased productivity...its terrible)

Without the blog as my outlet, my humor is beginning to leak out all over real life. 

Its getting pretty messy.

I do hope to make a triumphant return near the first of October.

Try to keep your pants on until then.

Excellent!

If only ironing were actually ironic.

As if laundry weren't already the worst of all the chores (Sorting, washing, drying, hanging, folding, putting away...oh my God im practically falling asleep just typing about it) 


I have recently been informed that as a newly declared grown-up, i am legally required to add ironing to my list of laundry-related chores.


Ironing is super awful for a lot of reasons...
But you know what? 


It does us absolutely no good to focus on the negatives all the time.


Life can be so full of negativity.


So...
For this just once...


Let us (try to) focus on the positives... of ironing.

For starters, you can catch up on your TV whilst you iron (multitasking is always a bonus in my book)
[Especially a good idea if you're really into shows like: Dexter, Breaking Bad, or Game of Thrones where it really isnt that important to pay attention to what's going on.]

Next, ironing does in fact make your clothes look more professional
e.g. 

[Oh hipsters, thank you so much for being excellent examples of what not to do in so many situations.]

Third, ironing is the sincerest form of flattery...oh, no, that's not right.

Well, last, but you know its not least 

(because otherwise how else would i have earned the award for the "world's second most long winded individual?")

Ironing...can apparently be extremely fun 
(extreme being the operative word here).


'Oh no,' you're thinking to yourself, this post has just taken a serious turn for the sarcastic.


No little friends - it has not.


Let me introduce to you, probably by the same people who invented Yarn Bombing, (look for more on that later in "things you didn't know where things") ...




EXTREME IRONING!


im being totally serious.

In the words of Anastasia Steele, "Oh my..."


With a quickness, i scrambled to learn more, because, now what with not having to study on the weekends & all, I've got insane amounts of free time for ridiculous recreational activities!


And can you think of a better way to improve such a mundane task as ironing?


No. You can not.


Good gravy there's a Wikipedia about it.

(Also known as EI !!!!!!!!!!!!)


Legend has it, that a man by the name of Phil Shaw, now affectionately known as "Steam," (!!!) wanted to climb a mountain, but also was burdened with the task (probably by his wife) of ironing his pants.


Well, like any good creationist before him, "Steam" decided to combine the two activities...& ta-DAH!


Bravo Mr. Shaw.


Fast forward to ... yep you guessed it... GERMANY! Where the first Extreme Ironing WORLD Championships were held in 2002.


5 categories including:

Spoiler alert:


Great Britain's 2 teams take 1st & 2nd place.

Figures.

All that being said, i would like to finish up with a few of the most wonderful EI examples out there...& urge you (with caution of course) to give it a go!


What's the worst that can happen?


You wind up with some neatly pressed pants for your spelunking adventure?

Ok...extreme enough. i guess

...And then what happened?
His arm got stuck between two boulders?

Nicely done sir.

This looks like it could escalate into an ironing emergency very quickly

Wrong. Totally wrong.

Good work.

Lovely use of anchoring here.

(I have no idea what I'm talking about)

Nice hat.

Team mean steam clean.

This might actually be illegal.

I'm not really sure.

Weak. 

Perfect form. 10.0 (or 16.4 or whatever) 

Buddy system.

Sweet Jesus who is going to pull your chute? 

But, really, how effective is this? 

Oh you know I always save the best for last.

As quickly as possible, somebody please petition for this to be added to the Olympic Games...

There is clearly WAY more skill involved with EI than curling.

Isn't it ironic?

Its over.