Come With Me Kitty!

The cat has gotten antsy. 

In her younger years, she was a super slut who roamed the streets of Long Beach until all hours of the night. 

But with the move to Queens, it was decided that this orange, long-haired, princess should settle down a bit.

She has most recently been confined to a teensy, NY, closet-sized apartment & was totally OK with it until recently. 

Be it the spring weather, 

A new love interest, 

Or excitement about her debut solo album... 

She just can't seem to contain herself lately.

Something had to be done.

So I thought long & hard, & did some searching on Amazon...

...And found the most amazing idea ever invented ever.

Cha Ching!

But just to be sure - let's check out some of the customer reviews because those are always super accurate...

Eh eh? Looking good so far...

But wait...

Well given that this cat has not 3, but 4 legs...

lets give it a go.

2 day shipping & $13.83 later...

Everything I ever wanted & more!!!!!!!!

But given my impatient attitude...

...And unwillingness to read directions before attempting to figure something out...

The cat & I both immediately got real frustrated with the whole thing.

[No photo documentation because all hands were busy being bitten & clawed].

I needed a more...sedentary subject.

Let me introduce you to, 

Ruby.

Yes. 

As a matter of fact I do have stuffed white tiger sitting around for various daily uses...

Looks pretty good right?

WRONG:

Balls.

Back to the drawing board.

BINGO!

Ready for round #2.

["I do not love this."]

["And also I am not going anywhere."]

But, in just a few short minutes, curiosity got the best of her...

[as seems to be the thing with cats].

And before I knew it, we were out the door & down the stairs.

We're off!

All the while barely breathing due to laughing hysterically the whole entire time

And then guess what happened.

We decided we'd had enough laughs (& awkward stares) for one day, & started to make a move towards inside...

Nope!

But finally, she relented & returned to the safety of the apartment.

What a busy day!

Time for a well deserved nap

Dear Amazon 

User Rating:

[The End].

Breaking up is hard to do...

Well OMG you guys. It turns out that working 40 hours a week just doesn't leave much time for leisure-blogging. 

(anyone out there willing to hire a full time blogger for about the same salary as a DPT make sure to hit me up...)

I dont know how you people with children manage to do anything but take a shower.

Presently I find myself at a crossroads.

A job to job interface if you will.

For those of you who have not experienced such a transition (i.e. my Dad, & Alex Trebec) ... 
& well, i guess also for those of you who have ... 

I would like to draw the comparison of a "break up."

As it stands, I have been unable to "break up" with my current job.

It appears that quitting a job is a lot like breaking up with a boyfriend (which, for the record I must be awful at considering I'm pretty sure my high school boyfriend still thinks we're dating despite the fact that we havent actually spoken since high school).

Even though he's a super nice, moderately good looking, decent kisser, who buys you stuff ... there's still just something about him that isn't right for you. 

(Sorry Ryan. I'm just not that into you. Your loss.)

Turns out breaking up with a job may be even more awkward than breaking up with a boyfriend.

And the new job prospects seem to be all I've ever wanted & more.

They wine & dine me with their fancy benefits packages & discussions about how they will treat me so much better (when in fact they will probably treat me pretty much the same, because lets be honest - we all have a type we cant get away from...) 

And I lap it up & buy their garble like the insecure, lazy eye, late bloomer that I am.

[PS whoever's child this is, I would like to adopt it immediately].

I sit in front of the mirror & rehearse my resignation speech just the same as i would a break up. (while simultaneously trying to decide if "crying" will be a help or hindrance).

"Its not you, its me - im just looking for something with a little more depth to it..."

"I just think its better if we end this before we both get too attached..."

"We can still be friends right?"

So do I really expect my current job to hit me with: 

"Well fine, I can do better than you anyway?" 

"Nobody else will love you the way I do."

"But...we were each other's firsts!"

To be honest...

Yes. I do.

All I know, is that just like my current job, & boyfriends past, when mom says it's time to re-consider, it might be time to re-consider.

THE END.

Have you ever wondered why girls aren't funny?

Now that I have your attention...

You should know that:
1. The answer to the question that is the title of this blog will be answered by the end of this post.
2. I actually do [occasionally] think girls are funny (especially myself)
3. There is a mathematical reason the ladies have a...not so positive reputation at taking on humor.

To begin the discussion we have to define & simplify male versus female humor.

Don't freak out. 

We are going to do this as quickly as we can.

Male-based humor inclues all fart jokes, boobs, penis jokes, Hellen Keller, fat people, & usually racism. 

Think: Tosh.0, Workaholics, & The League.

Female-based humor typically involves period jokes, fishing-style jokes about how "fat" & "ugly" the speaker or her best friend is, being dumb, motherhood, drinking wine, & making fun of boys.

Think: The Mindy Project, Cougar Town, New Girl, Glee? 
(I have never actually watched Glee but it looks girly enough)

MATH 

(it holds the answer to everything in the universe)

Let's just say for simplicity's sake that 100% of males, appreciate male humor.

Ok.

Now, lets also say that 50% of females appreciate male humor (i mean, who doesn't love a good fart joke right?)

That means that 75% of the entire population of the world appreciates male-style humor.

Example: 
How many males do you know who like Southpark? 
All of them right?

And how many females do you know who like Southpark? 
Probably like, some right? (unless of course you happen to be friends with all sorority gals & then the answer is definitely "none.")

So continuing with the mathematical explanation, that means only 25% of the world appreciates "female based" humor.

Example:
How many males do you know who like Cougar Town?
Probably none.

How many females do you know who like Cougar Town?
Maybe like half?

To sum it all up, 75% of the worlds' population appreciates "male" humor.
While only 25% of the world population appreciates "female" humor.

Statistically proven that females need to work on leveling the playing field. 

Its the females that aren't afraid to be goofy & joke about every day type, gender neutral, things that we find tolerable in the comedy world.

Examples: Kristen Wiig, Lucille Ball, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, me, & that fat girl from Bridesmaids!

So chin up ladies & take a second to understand that period jokes aren't funny. Fart jokes always will be. And pretending to be dumb isn't helping you achieve anything. 

If you want to earn back that 25%, you're going to have to accept a little raunchiness, swallow your pride, & act like a goofy fool every once in a while.

The end.

W2 much

I keep staring at my W2 form all, 
"Get out of here!"

And it keeps staring back at me all,
"No! Be an adult & stuff!"