Suspicious.

Has anyone else noticed lately how the bricks...

...are starting to look an awful lot like Hulk Hogan wearing 3D glasses?

Because I have.

You guys. I made up a joke. But you might not get it.

So yeah, so, I made up this joke...but don't be sad if you don't get it...it was written for a fairly narrow audience.


What was my reaction when I found out I was taking a continuing ed course on female anatomy?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


I was...

How's that for some punchline quickness?

Long Winded

Never have i ever... let anyone see one of my blog posts prior to posting it.
(or been to a tanning bed, eaten an entire steak, watched Jersey Shore, shopped for food at Walmart, or worn Toms. Booyah, all of you are out of fingers, i win.)

And then after i do post one, i text a few people about it, hold my breath, squint my eyes, & wait for somebody to tell me im how funny i am.

(Here is an x-ray of what my face looks like when i wait)

Well it just so happens that the other day i was feeling slightly over-confident, & i let the boyfriend read the blog, (you know, the one about the LIRR) prior to posting it.


His response was this: 
"Well, i guess thats funny, but i think you take too long to get to the punch line."


Umm...


Hey.


Excuse me.


Bf, Im not sure you understand how this is suppose to work. 


You see...


The only kind of feed back that is actually acceptable, is the extremely, ridiculously, over the top positive kind.


For punishment, i will spend the rest of this post mocking your wrongness. 

For starters, who has a blog with 9 followers?
Not you.


Who actually tells the longest stories ever?
You. (followed very closely by me).


Who appreciates Arrested Development?
Thats what i thought.


Ahhhnyway, to drive home the point a little further, ive decided to take a look back at some blog ideas that didnt turn out to be anything more than ideas because i think they suck without an adequate story attached:


Eh-hem:
First off, here are some random pictures of funny things that have been spelled using the sticky letters in the tub
(note: i am not taking credit for all, but i am taking credit for most)

(tehe)

Next. Why do these types of containers even still exist? How have we not, as a society, progressed past this design?

I am (still) very clearly the kid who has to ask the teacher open my milk for me every single day at lunch.

Third, If the company that makes shower heads is going to use such amazing setting illustrations, I am going to hold my shower head to a very high standard of performance:

IV. Here is a fun game to play on the train:

Is the person walking by:

A. Retarded?

B. Drunk?

C. Just having a really hard time walking on the wobbly train?

 

(seriously though, do it.)

5th: I tweeted this thought one time (back before i got busted discovered for tweeting mean cleverly-worded statements about my roommates living situation) but it's still true:

I think animals are gross because they lick their own crotches; but i think people are grosser because they lick eachothers.'

(dont make that face, you know its true.)

AND, when our cat use to do this very same little maneuver, my dad would call it, "playing the fiddle."

(it really is much cuter this way)

Second to last, I took this picture hoping to do something with it but it has no back story, so i hope an open mouth, shiny skull, sponge holder is funny to you.

And finally, this guy.

In conclusion, here is some good advice:

Focus on the journey (story), not just the destination (punchline), & more importantly during the ride, beg your dad stop for beanie babies & ice cream.

PS somebody get me this.

My life on the LIRR.

So the past few weeks have been quite an adventure. 
(I know you've missed me!)

Since ive been gone from the web, I have become ridiculously proficient at taking: 
bus / cab, train, subway, 93 stairs, subway, block, block, avenue... to work, & then doing the reverse to home. 


Not to brag or anything, but I've gotten it down to a stealthy 72 minutes on my best run.




The LIRR and I (oh by the way it stands for Long Island Rail Road in case youre from the south which you probably are since im pretty good friends with & know 8/9 of my followers) have had a few arguments, namely related to my inability to stay awake once boarding. 

But in the end, we were able to work out an agreement & now I do a 20 minute power nap for half of the ride & then try my best to read & study for the back half of the  trip.


At any rate, the best thing that could happen to the LIRR, happened last week.


The LIRR announced the expansion of their very own 
"Quiet Cars Program." 


Is this what i think it is? 


Why...yes it is.

The rules specifically designate the 1st & last cars on the rush hour trains to be the QUIET CARS...hellooo first grade version of public transit!

Trust me, I really didnt need any more persuasion at this point. 


The idea of it being "inappropriate" to engage me in conversation whilst riding public transit could not be more appealing...or could it?

You probably did not take the time to read all of that...no bother, ive highlighted the most important part for you...

Umm hey. 

Did you see that?

It says that those who are non-compliant will be given "Shh" cards.

Immediate freak out.

What do they look like? How loud do I actually have to be to get one? Is there a limit to how many I can get? If i get one, can i reciprocally give it out to someone else? How many are there? Are there different versions? Do they apply to animals? What if there is a fire? What if youre snoring & you just dont realize it? Can everyone just have one to hold up at people whenever? Why not just install beds?

Ok...get it together.

In a brief moment of clarity - I decided it would be best to do a little research about this "Shh" card to determine if it would even be worth the effort of earning...

So...naturally, I Googled it.

This is what i found:

I mean seriously?

You have the power to tell every single obnoxious New Yorker to shut their pie hole & this is what you come up with?

Dont worry, I have already requested a meeting with the NY MTA...until then, I have been brainstorming really hard on some alternative ideas to the presently implemented "Shh" card.

Let me just say, sometimes, I surprise myself with the expansiveness of my creativity.

I now present to you, some better "Shh!" Cards:

OK I'm done now.

Just kidding.

One more.

Ok thats really it.

I'll let you know how my meeting with the MTA goes.

Til later...cat wink!

Potential Valentine's Day card?

My love for you is like a retarded giant...

...Huge & Special.

Sincerely,

I have a real job now (yay?) so my posts are pretty much going to be weak from here on out - but i still think this would make a pretty swell Valentine's Day card...but don't steal it though because its the only original funny thought i've had in like 3 days.