So Ive Been Trying to Understand This "Higgs Boson" Thing...

Alright so, in case you havent heard, some scientists somewhere have found what they think might be the Higgs Boson Field / Particle.

This could be THE biggest scientific discovery of the 21st century!

Oh? really? 


You've never heard of the Higgs Boson? 
You don't have to fake it. 
No need to have to pretend.
After all, I'm brilliant, got an A in physics, & i too had never heard of it.

But, because I have an extremely nerdy reputation to uphold, you better believe after hearing the news (ok all it really took was me coming across a couple of jokes on the internet that I didnt understand), i got on every sciencey nerd website i could, to get some answers so that in the event that someone (seemingly) more intelligent than myself were to ask,
"Oh hey, have you heard that they found the Higgs Boson Particle?"


I could respond with something like,
"Oh yeah! That's totally great!"


or whatever an appropriate reaction would be because if the Higgs Boson turned out the be a bad thing, then i wouldve been all...
"Oh man i know, i was really sorry to hear."

So since you have chosen to spend a few of your precious minutes looking at my blog, I feel it is my duty, as your resident nerd, to fill you in on what ive recently learned about the Higgs Boson via the world's most reliable resource...the internet.

That way, if someone says to you, 
"Oh did you hear the most recent news about the Higgs Boson?" 
You can be like, 
"Totally. I am totally up to speed on all the science news you giant nerd face, why dont you ask me something normal like, have you seen Ted?"

As a disclaimer, whenever I don't fully understand something, I usually just make stuff up, & then confidently pretend like I know all about it.
(just ask my mom about how i use to make up the rules to Candyland...while we played...so i would win.)
So basically, all or some or none of this may be true or part way true or totally lies.

Alrighty off we go!


The Standard Model is what physicists use to explain everything.


Yep, everything, & thats not even an exaggeration.

(which i guess is why the standard model equation is available for purchase on a hat?)

Youve probably heard one time or another about how everything, everywhere, is made up of tiny particles floating around, interacting with each other, in space.


Yes?


Being the genius seven year old that i was, when my Dad (mega nerd) first informed me of this theory, my immediate response was, 


"Umm that's dumb, because if it were true, i would be falling through this chair right now."



That my friends, is (apparently) the ground work for all of this Higgs Boson business. (sorry im getting ahead of myself, its just that science just gets me real excited).

All the particles in the universe, have mass (duh)
But...(because all physicists are also sadists) (id also be willing to bet it works in reverse too)


Physicists (& sadists if you followed my last train of thought) want to know...HOW these particles get their mass?

Well the answer to this is something that I (even in my infinite wisdom) cannot fully explain so i have enlisted the help of some trustworthy internet videos.
(with links for citation purposes because I always give credit where credit is due)

I have summarized 3 of my favorites below...

1. The first video likened the whole situation to snow & skiers with skis, boots, & shoes.


Video Numero Uno

By... this guy:

He says, "Picture some snow, flat, featureless, going in all directions, maybe in the middle of Siberia."


Then he goes on to say something about how much snow sticks to you if you're wearing skis, versus boots, versus straight up shoes.


And shows some overly dramatic visuals:

Hmm. 

Ok.

2. The second video literally started with this guy saying:

"If you have any interest in physics at all, you've heard of the Higgs Boson" 
(He's the kind of cocky nerd I was referring to, who might ask you if you've heard of this thing, & then be a jerk about it if you say no)


Video Numero Dos

He decided to go with water, barracudas, swimmers, & then failed to continue the analogy for the rest of the video.

But he's totally serious about it.

3. The third (& most amazing) video i came across has 2 (Russian? Polish? Slovakian?) dudes.

Real similar to these fellas actually.

(Thomas & Melissa, I know you don't get it. Not having cable as a child has really ruined a lot of jokes for you.)

Using adorable haircuts, broken english, & terrible analogies, they attempt to explain the Higgs Boson situation.

Video Numero Tres

(Note: This video explains why the Higgs Boson is commonly referred to as "The God Particle," which might help to give you the upper hand in a conversation with a nerdjerk, but i dont want to spoil the surprise.)

(hahaha look at the link to it)

Some excellent quotes from video numero tres:

"Most of the mass we have is kinetic energy, so the Higgs Boson explains why subatomic particles have the masses they do."

Ok. I'm with you.

"Very simple" ("mainstream terminology"): By themselves, particles don't have mass."

Still good.


"Higgs particle, which gives mass to other particles, from themselves particles cant have mass, imagine having the Higgs Field, like spanning every point in space, time, it has like, all time excitation of itself, so Higgs particles everywhere, & when a particle is moving through it, particles which couple stronger to Higgs', they have like lots of Higgs' 

and they drag it a bit down. Its not correct right, but its a good way to see it. So the particles are like, dragged down more so they are heavy."



"Something full everywhere, some things go through, and they attract or not."

"Why is physics so cool?"

Umm yes. Got it. Thank you cute European (?) guys.

Ok so then I actually watched a video that made sense...
Finally, an explanation!

So here's my summary:

According to common, accepted, physics theory (standard model), everything is made from particles, which on their own do not have mass.


The Higgs particle is a boson AKA a "type of particle that allows multiple, identical particles to exist in the same place in the same quantum state. It has no spin, electric charge, or colour charge. It is also very unstable, decaying into other particles almost immediately."


Scientists think that the Boson field / particle is what gives all the other particles mass.

Aaaannnnnnd...


Some scientists who work in a 25 gazillion dollar lab think that they probably found it.
(no joke about the lab, its called the CERN & it is literally almost 17 miles around, & that's really how much it cost to build too.)


Well, they are between 99.73% & 99.9994% sure they found it.


Close enough.


Without it, pretty much everything else we think to be true about physics, would be false.
Which would also be kind of awesome if you think about it.


Doesn't it feel good to educate yo self?


You're welcome.


The end.


I was totally eating left over eggplant for breakfast while i wrote the conclusion to this.
I hope you're jealous.

Suspicious.

Has anyone else noticed lately how the bricks...

...are starting to look an awful lot like Hulk Hogan wearing 3D glasses?

Because I have.

You guys. I made up a joke. But you might not get it.

So yeah, so, I made up this joke...but don't be sad if you don't get it...it was written for a fairly narrow audience.


What was my reaction when I found out I was taking a continuing ed course on female anatomy?
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I was...

How's that for some punchline quickness?

Long Winded

Never have i ever... let anyone see one of my blog posts prior to posting it.
(or been to a tanning bed, eaten an entire steak, watched Jersey Shore, shopped for food at Walmart, or worn Toms. Booyah, all of you are out of fingers, i win.)

And then after i do post one, i text a few people about it, hold my breath, squint my eyes, & wait for somebody to tell me im how funny i am.

(Here is an x-ray of what my face looks like when i wait)

Well it just so happens that the other day i was feeling slightly over-confident, & i let the boyfriend read the blog, (you know, the one about the LIRR) prior to posting it.


His response was this: 
"Well, i guess thats funny, but i think you take too long to get to the punch line."


Umm...


Hey.


Excuse me.


Bf, Im not sure you understand how this is suppose to work. 


You see...


The only kind of feed back that is actually acceptable, is the extremely, ridiculously, over the top positive kind.


For punishment, i will spend the rest of this post mocking your wrongness. 

For starters, who has a blog with 9 followers?
Not you.


Who actually tells the longest stories ever?
You. (followed very closely by me).


Who appreciates Arrested Development?
Thats what i thought.


Ahhhnyway, to drive home the point a little further, ive decided to take a look back at some blog ideas that didnt turn out to be anything more than ideas because i think they suck without an adequate story attached:


Eh-hem:
First off, here are some random pictures of funny things that have been spelled using the sticky letters in the tub
(note: i am not taking credit for all, but i am taking credit for most)

(tehe)

Next. Why do these types of containers even still exist? How have we not, as a society, progressed past this design?

I am (still) very clearly the kid who has to ask the teacher open my milk for me every single day at lunch.

Third, If the company that makes shower heads is going to use such amazing setting illustrations, I am going to hold my shower head to a very high standard of performance:

IV. Here is a fun game to play on the train:

Is the person walking by:

A. Retarded?

B. Drunk?

C. Just having a really hard time walking on the wobbly train?

 

(seriously though, do it.)

5th: I tweeted this thought one time (back before i got busted discovered for tweeting mean cleverly-worded statements about my roommates living situation) but it's still true:

I think animals are gross because they lick their own crotches; but i think people are grosser because they lick eachothers.'

(dont make that face, you know its true.)

AND, when our cat use to do this very same little maneuver, my dad would call it, "playing the fiddle."

(it really is much cuter this way)

Second to last, I took this picture hoping to do something with it but it has no back story, so i hope an open mouth, shiny skull, sponge holder is funny to you.

And finally, this guy.

In conclusion, here is some good advice:

Focus on the journey (story), not just the destination (punchline), & more importantly during the ride, beg your dad stop for beanie babies & ice cream.

PS somebody get me this.

My life on the LIRR.

So the past few weeks have been quite an adventure. 
(I know you've missed me!)

Since ive been gone from the web, I have become ridiculously proficient at taking: 
bus / cab, train, subway, 93 stairs, subway, block, block, avenue... to work, & then doing the reverse to home. 


Not to brag or anything, but I've gotten it down to a stealthy 72 minutes on my best run.




The LIRR and I (oh by the way it stands for Long Island Rail Road in case youre from the south which you probably are since im pretty good friends with & know 8/9 of my followers) have had a few arguments, namely related to my inability to stay awake once boarding. 

But in the end, we were able to work out an agreement & now I do a 20 minute power nap for half of the ride & then try my best to read & study for the back half of the  trip.


At any rate, the best thing that could happen to the LIRR, happened last week.


The LIRR announced the expansion of their very own 
"Quiet Cars Program." 


Is this what i think it is? 


Why...yes it is.

The rules specifically designate the 1st & last cars on the rush hour trains to be the QUIET CARS...hellooo first grade version of public transit!

Trust me, I really didnt need any more persuasion at this point. 


The idea of it being "inappropriate" to engage me in conversation whilst riding public transit could not be more appealing...or could it?

You probably did not take the time to read all of that...no bother, ive highlighted the most important part for you...

Umm hey. 

Did you see that?

It says that those who are non-compliant will be given "Shh" cards.

Immediate freak out.

What do they look like? How loud do I actually have to be to get one? Is there a limit to how many I can get? If i get one, can i reciprocally give it out to someone else? How many are there? Are there different versions? Do they apply to animals? What if there is a fire? What if youre snoring & you just dont realize it? Can everyone just have one to hold up at people whenever? Why not just install beds?

Ok...get it together.

In a brief moment of clarity - I decided it would be best to do a little research about this "Shh" card to determine if it would even be worth the effort of earning...

So...naturally, I Googled it.

This is what i found:

I mean seriously?

You have the power to tell every single obnoxious New Yorker to shut their pie hole & this is what you come up with?

Dont worry, I have already requested a meeting with the NY MTA...until then, I have been brainstorming really hard on some alternative ideas to the presently implemented "Shh" card.

Let me just say, sometimes, I surprise myself with the expansiveness of my creativity.

I now present to you, some better "Shh!" Cards:

OK I'm done now.

Just kidding.

One more.

Ok thats really it.

I'll let you know how my meeting with the MTA goes.

Til later...cat wink!