PSA

Creative Advertising.

Seems the Met & Funny or Die had the same Advertising company...

Somebody tell BUZZFEED to quit jacking my style.

So, who else has noticed that BUZZFEED has totally jacked my style of making fun of stuff in list format. And by the way, taken it WAY too far. They use numbered bullet points that sloppily trail into other bullet points & that's just dumb. 

Um, '23 ways you know you're from the south?' ... Yeah right, try '23 reasons why my blog is 9,000 times better than BUZZFEED.'

In unrelated news, I recently went home for Thanksgiving & my mom made me clean out my closet full of childhood memories.

1 body-sized garbage bag full of troll dolls, yak-baks, & posters of Hanson later, I'd had a lot of time to reflect & compare my 'adult' life preferences with my preferences for certain things when I was a kid. 

(I also took some time to consider that some of the "fun" things we did as children may have just been prep work for being adults...do I smell conspiracy?)

(haha yeah...let's 'play' kitchen...)

Being a grown up has some ups (e.g. eating goldfish for breakfast & no designated bedtime) & also some downs (bills, work, clipping your own toenails...). 

(PS - If you haven't tried watching "Don't trust the B in Apt 23" its pretty OK - & if you're home alone on a Friday night with nothing else to do, why not give it a go? It's on Netflix & I'm obsessed). 

Hey Netflix, how bout sponsoring my blog eh?

Alright, back to the topic at hand.

Here are some things that are adult-like in nature, that remind me of some other activities I use to do for 'fun' when I was a kid. 

I will leave the decision of the potential for conspiracy up to you.

1. Refilling the salt shaker = sand art.

If only salt came in different colors...

How did 'sand art' even become a thing, & also hats off to the creator for being like, "oh boy, I bet I can make a ton of money off of colored sand..."

2. Putting coins into laundry machines = Arcade games

(Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnn)

Whatever you guys who don't even know what I'm talking about because you have your own laundry machines. 

Sometimes, as I'm putting the quarters in, I just stand there & wish I could pass the time with a little Ninja Turtle arcade action. 

3. Subway = Roller-coaster

Sometimes, when I am riding on the subway, its a fun game to try to not hold on & wonder how well my ankles work to stabilize me at breakneck speeds...that is, until I fall into an old Mexican who smells like tacos & then my face turns the color of a hot tamale. 

Sometimes I do wonder if subways were in the south, if southern people would just fall down whining about why these magnificently efficient machines don't have seat-belts or club sandwiches.

And also some times if you watch the car in front of you it look like that scene from Harry Potter when they're traveling on that giant bus that looks like it's probably from London or whatever.

4. Cooking = Chemistry bathroom experiments.

 

You guys remember when you use to mix shampoo with tabasco sauce & hope it would make something like, sparkles or purple tomatoes, & be the cure for AIDS?

5. Cutting up credit cards = Making snowflakes.

See? 

This chick gets it. 

When was the last time you had this much fun cutting something into tiny pieces? 

Probably the last time you left shards of paper everywhere after making a beautiful snowflake out of paper.

6. Trying to close the blinds when they're crooked = Flying a kite.

This is literally one of the most obnoxious things on the planet. 

And by the time you finally figure out how to untangle this spiderweb, you've got this situation going on...

And then before you know it...you're doing this...

7. Farts = Farts.

Oh my God. 

Farts are so funny. 

I can't even stand it & farts will always be funny forever.

The end.

Suck it BUZZFEED, you don't even know how to make a list right.

And also hire me to work for you because I am hilarious.

For real the end now.

Nuts.

Come With Me Kitty!

The cat has gotten antsy. 

In her younger years, she was a super slut who roamed the streets of Long Beach until all hours of the night. 

But with the move to Queens, it was decided that this orange, long-haired, princess should settle down a bit.

She has most recently been confined to a teensy, NY, closet-sized apartment & was totally OK with it until recently. 

Be it the spring weather, 

A new love interest, 

Or excitement about her debut solo album... 

She just can't seem to contain herself lately.

Something had to be done.

So I thought long & hard, & did some searching on Amazon...

...And found the most amazing idea ever invented ever.

Cha Ching!

But just to be sure - let's check out some of the customer reviews because those are always super accurate...

Eh eh? Looking good so far...

But wait...

Well given that this cat has not 3, but 4 legs...

lets give it a go.

2 day shipping & $13.83 later...

Everything I ever wanted & more!!!!!!!!

But given my impatient attitude...

...And unwillingness to read directions before attempting to figure something out...

The cat & I both immediately got real frustrated with the whole thing.

[No photo documentation because all hands were busy being bitten & clawed].

I needed a more...sedentary subject.

Let me introduce you to, 

Ruby.

Yes. 

As a matter of fact I do have stuffed white tiger sitting around for various daily uses...

Looks pretty good right?

WRONG:

Balls.

Back to the drawing board.

BINGO!

Ready for round #2.

["I do not love this."]

["And also I am not going anywhere."]

But, in just a few short minutes, curiosity got the best of her...

[as seems to be the thing with cats].

And before I knew it, we were out the door & down the stairs.

We're off!

All the while barely breathing due to laughing hysterically the whole entire time

And then guess what happened.

We decided we'd had enough laughs (& awkward stares) for one day, & started to make a move towards inside...

Nope!

But finally, she relented & returned to the safety of the apartment.

What a busy day!

Time for a well deserved nap

Dear Amazon 

User Rating:

[The End].